The Smell of Her Hair

Light sleep, vibrating alarm rings.
She turns over, rubs my face.
"Will you stay with me?"

Why argue?
Reach out and hold-in-darkness just a little longer,

She holds my hand and breathes,

Then my thoughts begin to wander,

This is good cause she loves me now,
Just wants to be held, and told shes loved aloud.

I laugh to myself, cause she blind that,
She uses me.
I wish I could trust you, your,
Discontent abuses me.

Only concerned with power and control,
Insecure,
"Everyone should love me!"
But she knows they don't,

Maybe I judge you to protect myself...
Maybe I know when you leave me,
There will be somebody else.

I need this to be exclusive.
Why am I attracted to someone that's so elusive?

You're all I want when you're actually there,
But when you're gone you don't even care,
You can't be thinking about me...
When you're lying there,
And in some other man's eyes you stare,

Intellectual,
Expressive 'specially emotionally,
Warm to the touch, damn near nurturing.

Girl tryna save a world she knows she can't.
Just like I want to save a girl I know I can't.

Maybe I need to learn to let it be,
Cause she's breathing quiet, still lying here with me.

The smell of her hair, breathing in the moment,
She's here now.
So don't worry, I'm on it.

Overcast

Maybe for me it's never meant to be.

The ones that helped,
Can no longer relate to me.

I fell in love,
Because you showed me myself,

But am I narcissistic or will I truly love somebody else?

It's not easy being me (I smile),
But in the end, its the best view that I can see,

That's perspective for your ass!
Shattered mirrors,
Broken glass.

I've no need to wear a mask,
The truth heals...
At last.

Fragmented Souls

A lot of women fall in love with their,
Psychologist.

Some to listen to them, help them with the knowledge,
To just,

Get past issues,
Fix their fragmented souls,

Never judging their demons,
Keeping secrets, talking alone.

"Baby, I can't do that with you, because I do this,
You're my client and you signed the papers..."

"We can talk in my office,
Not on personal phones,

If this behavior continues,
We can't be left alone,

Look, I can't do this.
I'll refer you to somebody else.

They can help you with issues,
Help you dust your shelves,

Of old memories,
Pains, abandonments,
Penitentiaries...

I can't give you want you want me to,
I get some type of fulfillment from helping you,

But my life has nothing to do with yours,
I'm just here to listen,
I can't tell you about me,
I'm paid to pay attention,

No one knows you like me?
Then you need some new friends,

Because we could never,
Be.

You feel the healing,
And emotions are true,
But you have to back away,
There is no 'me and you'."

Old Pictures

Hmmm,
Been a long time I said your name.

I wonder if you can hear me through this page?

I remember when you were the only thing that mattered.

Was it the other girls that led us different patterns?

Never before had I felt so accepted,

Custom-made relationship, rejected.

Was it because I pushed you away,
Pressured with feelings?

Was it this other guy,
Who turned clear skies to ceilings?

Its crazy cause now we don't even talk.
Like neither of us existed,

like you were never there...

And I look at old pictures,
And tell myself I don't even care.

Part of me wishes we worked it out.
Regretable,
I suppose we're on different paths,
A Queen,
To me without a doubt,
Conditional-me is not the love that matters,

So how can I find peace off you?

Understanding is what I do.

Mine Judgment

What did you do,
To deserve my judgment?
My criticism of you?

What evil deed was done?
Something you didn't do?
Why must you face my wrath?

Do you even have a clue?

Do you know why you're in pain?
Why you will feel my rage?

You've gone too far this time,
No chance left to be saved.

So mirror on the wall,
Within you know the truth,
The man that's trapped within you,
Mine judgment shall not loose.

All I Know As Truth

What shall I believe in?

What truth rings true to me?
What shall I hold in my heart?
What runs like blood within me?

I ponder all these systems,
Religions, laws, and wars,
They've never worked for me,
Just a forest blocked by doors.

But no building.

So I ask why?

Where is that special feeling?
Not here, why should I lie?

I've paid my dues,
I've sought to search,

I came to find the truth,

But all I found were men behind the curtain,
With shiny suits,

Saying, 'don't tell,
But who would ever believe you?

What we do is real,
It is you, that we can see through.'

So in my solitude I ask,
'What's real and what's for sale?'

I dream that reality will kindly,
Riddle me the tale.

All I know as truth,

Is what I see and express,
Respect for other visions has been my,
Earthly test,

All I've known and see,
Added color to my canvas true,
Appreciate my own Masterpiece,
Is what I'll learn to do,

I'll listen to my own music,
My answers reverberate inside,
And lift my voice for my song,
To sing 'I am alive'

With Love That's True

I'm more in love with your idea,
Than I am with you.
Idea's shit don't stink,
But oh do you!

Go away from me,
So I can fantasize about you in my mind!
Don't smother me,
So I can wonder about you all the time...

Don't ever tell me how you feel,
So I can make a guess,
Never reveal the answer!
I'll be most impressed!

Instead of being imperfect and,
Hold me with love that's true,
Just chase some other love,
So I can fall in love, with you.

Green Monster

I hate.
How the abundance or absence of money,
Affects my psyche.

People say money doesn't matter,

I wish it truly didn't.

But we all agree that it does.

Because that's all money is,
An agreement,
Symbolized by paper.

Physical representation of an idea,

Idea of worth, and barter...

Idea of trade,
Of ego,
Which elicits emotions.

Emotions of worthlessness,
Or pride,
Greed and fear,

But money is our scapegoat.

"Lets all blame the dollar,
Like we blame guns for killing people,

Like we blame plates for making us fat..."

We shall rally against the evils of the dollar!

The truth is:

We are the dollar.

Everything we have made the dollar to be,

Started first, with "you and me",

The evil, the good...

The wont and the should,

The Savior and Satan,
The love we now hate and,
The children we'll never see.

It all came to be,
From the good and bad greens,
The colors we perceive,
Within you,

And me.

Previous Razor Blades in Standing Water

I remember you.

I tried to be-friend,

Your insecurity chose to end,

Its funny how blind emotion and inse-cu-ri-ty,
Can guide us to what we want-to-see,

I dreamed of causing you a lot of pain,

You left believing I drowned in shame,

My only shame was never saying how I feel.

How I felt and feel now, the pain is real.

How can a man live with all he can't forget?
Not speaking up is my biggest regret.

Write or wrong,
Speak on what goes on inside,

Or just be quiet, and slowly die.

Between Heaven and Earth

Ultimate betrayal,

Pondering chauvinistic,
Cold deference to game.

Puppet master,
Ho does as ho told,

How does one turn ho cold?

And when did you become ho?
Maybe always,
Just refused to know.

Maybe back,

Recession make money-consciousness,

Assimilate heart,
Struggle,

Security or lack there-'in',
Causes even blood bonds to break,

Causes love my soul to hate,

And if I cry before I wake,
A stronger man, yet I shall make,

I stand.

Alone un-victim stained.
Purple bruises of mental pain,

Walk forward,
Cause that's all I can stand.

Boy-reach-out-and-take-man.

Wishful Thinking

I want to live,
Not just exist within my mind,

So afraid,
Want to know it'll be fine.

Or maybe more,
I just wish I didn't care.
And I want you to take me there...

Never There

Why can't I,
Stop thinking of a love,
Never there?

Mesmerized,
Made-up meaning,
Into illusions dare I stare,

Can't tell you what I hope to find,
But my search is all that keeps me alive...

Heat and Friction

I hate you because I miss you,

I wish,
I could find and kiss you. (corny, eh...stop judging yourself)

But now you've gone with someone else,

This is what you wanted huh?
For me to suffer huh? (says my ego...)

Well now I hate you  more,
I'm trying so hard to forget you, whore!

I want someone else.
But they're not you. (I should pick up a bag habit)

They don't touch me like you do.

But now I have to imagine you.
With someone new.

Some view...
Some new,
Guy touching you.

Taking your scent for granted.

'You and me' remind me life is not a fairy tale.

'Our' absence has made my life a personal hell.

I just want to see you here again.
I wonder what you represent?

I wish,
I could fill this hole up with something else,

But I sit here empty, by myself.

This is beyond beer or addiction.
This is more than heat and friction.

I just... I thought it was gonna be you...

But you can save me,
And I can't save me too.

Unlock.

Searching for the key.
The answer to find.

When will I let me,
Out of my own mind?

Just recently made aware of the prison.
What were my crimes? Will I be forgiven?

Stop thinking.
You're probably channeling.

No past, it's the present you're handling.

The future is just another idea.
The moment at hand is all that's real.

Unlock my cage, let me live now.
The key is in my hand, I have to show me how.

Such is Life

Looking for pen.
Found it behind your ear.

Such is life.

We build worlds.
The walls block out the harshest elements.

I wonder if it can be judged,
Good or bad?

If "there" is the only place we know exists...

Searching for the big picture.
In the dark hanging from the Sistine Chapel ceiling,
With just a candle.

I just want the truth,
Afraid to be mistaken for a vandal.


Protected by illusions.
Sharply penetrated -> Reality -> Contusion

Shattered sky = conclusion,

The shards are falling.

To reveal what?
The Heavens are calling.

Questions to Transition

Birds swimming in the air,
Just isn't fair...

I'm stuck down here.

I guess we learn to go where we must,
Right now, I linger in the cusp.

Blurring of extremes,
No wonder life is so grey.

Shall I become more extreme,
Or do,
Here I stay?


Could we call 'grey' balanced?
Or do dive into the black or white challenge?

Artist

Is life solid or is it paisley patterned?
Ordered and linear?
Or is it all splattered?

It cant be absolute so finish what you've started.
It's your canvas, use your paints.
Be an artist.

All 12 Months

I used to dream.
Of holding you in my arms,
With my face in your neck,
Smelling your hair...

Listening to your soft voice,
And the way you would giggle...

Just to talk,
About nothing...

I often wonder, even now.
Wouldn't it be something,
To sit with you again,
And talk about nothing...

But I cannot be for you,
What you need me to...
Thought it's all I want to do.

I am,
Not that...

So the air carries away my flame,
Because your soul cries for heavy rains,
And I must live,
If it's all the same...

Such a shame.
If only the stars could feel my pain.

Smiling

I wonder if there is any direction?

Can anyone be direct?

Or is it all... misdirection?

Where do you go?

When you are in the middle of nowhere...

Drift into darkness?

Towards the light?

Assuming there is some.

Existence.

What is there to ponder if there is none?

What is there to think about,

When there is no thought?

Where is meaning when all is without meaning?

Where is the judgment when all is relative?

Solitary confinement,

In the prison of my thoughts.

They keep me out,

Out of the box.

My thoughts wont let me back in,

They wont allow me to return,

Yet alone.

Imprisoned by my intellectual freedom.

I smile at the thought.

"Why is the world like this?" I laugh to myself.

"Rather, why does the very nature of existence seem so contradictory?"

Maybe it is all a joke.

Maybe it all begins and ends with laughter.

In the beginning there was the "ha"

Like walking into an extravagant hotel and paying top-dollar for their best room...

A 4 by 5 closet.

Or watching an entire football team climb out of a mini cooper...

None of this makes sense...

And I think...

I'm ok with that.

*smiling*

Turn for the Worst

I miss the luxury of enduring her smirk,
Confident in all the magic she worked.

Conversation, serene.
Expected to wake from dream.
But reality was all it seemed.

My present was the best,
As I planned for the very worst,

I wish you hadda told me first,

Before I assumed otherwise,
And doomed 'us' to our demise,

Is this my lesson or my fate?
Angel of Death,
Standing at my love's gate.

Not to kill me, and neither you.
Only what could have been,

Here lies True.

Quiet in the Night; Light in the Darkness

But now I'm not with you,
Do you still care?
Looking through your pictures,
Do you still stare?

Telling myself 'moving on is all that I can do'.
Then again, I still don't understand you.

You make me write when I have the words.
Of the days, we shared the same soul urge.

I wish it was 'happily ever after'.
I wonder did 'we' even matter.

Well clearly, it does to me, and secretly,
You're all that I want to see.

Melancholy,
Scared of unreciprocate,
Shuffling lies,
The truth always hits me late.

I long for you, and me to be,

In the cards.
What dreams may come to those chasing,
Shooting stars...

And what happens when you catch one?

Reminiscing on being within your hand's touch.

Or Maybe

Maybe it's hard to get by.
Or maybe it's just in my mind.
Keep my head in the clouds,
...just maybe I'll be fine.